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For 18 months, I’ve taken a weekly lesson at a stable that specializes in therapeutic work. The team here helps disabled people experience horseback riding and nonmounted equine exercises; they also have a kids’ program. The barn is truly my happy place, so much so that I have volunteered at its events and made small financial contributions to the program.
I’m very fond of the stable’s director; riding under her expert tutelage has helped me become stronger, happier and more confident. Recently, I drove up to the barn to drop off my granddaughter for the last day of her riding camp there. Draped over the director’s front porch, adjacent to the stable and visible to all, was a large Trump banner.
Gut-punch time. I can’t imagine anything more horrifying than a Trump presidency. There’s no point in talking to the director — I remember on my first day there, she told me that politics and religion were taboo topics among the barn family. (Now I get why!)
I guess I could go elsewhere, but I don’t really want to start over with someone new. Quitting means giving up something I love; staying means feeling nauseated and untrue to myself. How do I navigate this situation? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your world is full of services provided by people who, amid this neck-and-neck election, favor Donald Trump’s candidacy; you just don’t know this about most of them. Let’s figure that they helped write the software that runs your smartphone, fixed your leaking faucet, trucked produce to your supermarket and might even have treated your granddaughter’s ear infection. I trust you’re not committed to avoiding the presence or services of all such people.
Maybe, though, you’re bridling not so much at this woman’s support for Donald Trump as at her expression of that support. She does seem to have broken her own rule: A large Trump banner violates the idea that this is a politics-free zone. If you express a political thought, you’re inviting people to respond with political thoughts. And citizens ought to feel free to talk to one another about who would — and would not — make a good president. So I hope you’re feeling untrue to yourself only because you haven’t told the director what you think about our former president. Instead of silently bailing on this place, why not ask her about her enthusiasm for a second Trump administration (and, yes, then listen to her before sharing your views)? If she somehow thinks that signage isn’t the same as discussion, you can come to your lessons wearing your candidate’s merch.
In a democracy, we’re in this together. We have to try to understand one another’s views about politics and policy or we can’t do our job as citizens. At the same time, we have to know when to put our differences aside and remember that we have identities other than our political ones. This is someone you’re fond of, someone who has helped create a fine equestrian institution that has made a positive contribution to your community. Does this woman — this stable genius — deserve nothing better than being shunned? You’re a client, a supporter and maybe even a friend of hers. Our lives can become constricted when our political identities are always holding the reins.
Readers Respond
Last week’s question was from a concerned mother. She wrote: “Our 30-something son has been seriously dating a smart, capable woman for more than a year. They seem very happy; they recently moved in together and are talking about their long-term future, including the possibility of having children. … We support them and would like to encourage their relationship, but my spouse and I are concerned about something. Our son has a history of problem gambling. … We have offered to pay for counseling to help him manage this addiction. When we insisted that he attend, he did so, but when we stopped insisting, he stopped going. We have also offered to cover the cost of an intensive, residential treatment program for gambling addiction. He has declined that offer. We have suggested to our son that his partner should be informed of his addiction. … He is adamant that he does not intend to tell her about his problem. He often seems to believe that he has a handle on this situation, but in the past couple of years, he has not gone more than a few months without gambling. Because he has refused to tell his partner, do we have an obligation to let her know?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “There’s no question that your son ought to come clean with his partner. … What to do if your son continues to refuse to deal with the reality of his situation? Especially if you have a relationship with his partner, you owe her some consideration as well. As much as she deserves to be told the truth — before, as you fear, having the truth come crashing into her life — alerting her yourself should be a last resort. If your son remains obdurate, you can inform him that you plan to tell her that he has a problem she’s entitled to know about. One way or the other, he would still be in a position to explain the problem himself.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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As someone who was married to a man with a gambling addiction, I agree that this girlfriend deserves to know about his addiction, and that his parents should be the last resort in informing her. Trust and honesty are necessary for a relationship. Gambling has such long term financial consequences. Keeping separate accounts is not enough; gamblers are very savvy about accessing money. I doubt this relationship can survive. Mine didn’t. — Nancy
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Why not let the letter writer’s son decide when, what and how his partner should learn about his addiction? Telling her about the gambling will create another relationship problem: the problem of violating confidentiality between the parents and their son. These are two adults in a successful, though flawed, intimate relationship. Why should the letter writer judge how best to handle this issue? — William
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Gamblers have the highest suicide rate of any addiction disorder so it is imperative that romantic partners know what they’re getting into. Problem gamblers are very good at hiding the problem and the losses until they aren’t. — Geoff
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I agree with the Ethicist that the girlfriend has a right to know, however, the letter writer and her spouse should be mindful of how they decide to handle this disclosure. Everybody needs to be careful not to fall into the trap of being the son’s “chief enabler,” which is a recovery term that’s used to describe a person who, by providing support, encourages the behavior of an addict. For example, if he has the money for gambling, he’s most likely resourceful when it comes to manifesting the money for his addiction. He can use that same resourcefulness to come up with the funds to pay for his own treatment. If he has nothing invested in his treatment, then he has potentially just socked away money for gambling during a relapse. If, however, he is expected to pay for his own treatment, he’ll have sweat in the game (pun intended). By taking the approach of revealing this truth, the letter writer and her spouse take the risk of not being able to see their grandchildren if he’s later harboring resentment and doesn’t enter recovery. One way to potentially avoid this would be to give him a deadline. Gambling is a “process addiction” rather than a substance use disorder. However, it needs to be treated like any other addiction: that is, everyone in the family is affected. Therefore, the parents could handle this in a better manner if they had support themselves, such as a 12-step program like Gam-Anon to help them manage their own emotions and be proactive about how they approach things. For that matter, the girlfriend may wish to join them. — Rick
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I agree with the Ethicist’s response as far as it went. The letter writer and her spouse should set a firm date at which time they will inform the girlfriend if the son hasn’t. I have been a problem gambler, and have managed to abstain since my inpatient rehab in 2012. I make sure everyone I am close to understands my history. The son doesn’t want to tell his partner so he can remain free to gamble again without her awareness of the signs. And have no doubt, he will gamble again. The son gives no indication he has come close to his personal bottom, so expect significant financial ruin in his future. Please, please make sure she knows. She doesn’t have to dump him over the issue, she just has to make sure she keeps her finances separate from away from his and does not, say, have a big mortgage that requires his contribution to pay. Problem gamblers are a small percentage of the population but we create significant revenues for casinos and sports book companies. I know it’s a mystery to those not afflicted (why don’t we just stop?) but a gambling addiction is powerful and boy does it suck. — Susan
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The letter writer’s son has a moral obligation to notify his partner of his addiction. He may even find a staunch new support person, one who loves and cares as much as his obviously supportive parents. We each hold a moral responsibility to share huge truths that can greatly affect our partner, for both good but especially for bad. I was in this exact situation for 10 years over my son’s gambling addiction. Don’t drag out the decision to tell, as I did. My overwhelming belief in her right to know finally won out. He was lucky — they are now married and he’s not gambling. One word of caution; this type of honesty can alter family dynamics, especially between the well-meaning parents and their child, sometimes permanently. The ethical response may not be welcome, but it is essential. — Cynthia
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