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Organizing a vacation with members of your extended family can spark high expectations and happy emotions. The promise of reconnecting with loved ones at a beautiful location or on an exciting tour can make it easy to idealize these trips while in the planning stage.
However, travel delays, bad service and other mishaps happen, and those are just external factors that might mar a trip. A vacation in paradise can quickly turn dark with family fights, slights, political disagreements and varying parenting styles.
But there are ways to avoid difficulties that might arise.
With some forethought and early discussions, being on the go together can be as joyful as you dreamed, for all ages.
Temper expectations early, especially if you are paying
First, get in the right mind-set.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist with the company Good Inside, noted that trip-planning adults can wrongly expect that an investment in a pricey vacation will automatically ensure a smooth trip with well-behaved companions, particularly children. Identifying this assumption is essential.
“We feel like they’re going to reward our efforts and our money spent with good behavior. And it’s actually important to laugh about this,” Dr. Kennedy said. “Because if we don’t, we will be frustrated with our kids the whole time.”
Sarah Janowsky, 38, a business operations professional, flew six hours from her home in New York City to Portland, Ore., in July with her three children between the ages of 2 and 8. She accepted that the travel day was “not going to be our best day ever” in terms of the children’s behavior. Ms. Janowsky knew that snacks and games could sooth some agitation, and provided plentiful screen time and relaxation of some regular rules. But one line couldn’t be crossed: That she expected her children to be respectful of the fellow passengers.
Understand everyone’s wants early
Your uncle might want a day in an art museum; your 6-year-old needs a playground every afternoon to burn off energy.
Niro Feliciano, an adult and adolescent psychotherapist based in Connecticut, urges travelers to communicate expectations at the start.
“When expectations are not met or are unrealistic to begin with, people come back dissatisfied, frustrated and angry,” she said.
That means hearing what each person — even children — hopes for in the trip, whether that be quality time together, a new adventure or novel cuisine. Also discuss the non-negotiables, which may include spending limits, adhering to regular bedtime and meal schedules, and private or separate accommodations.
Expect the inevitable difficulties
Mollie Chen, co-founder of the online makeup retailer Birchbox and operating partner at the strategy firm Acora, said that her Brooklyn-based family of four, including two children ages 5 and 7, has also benefited from discussing potential difficulties.
“In addition to talking about all the fun things we are going to do, it’s also important to remind the kids — and us! — about the things that might be tough,” Ms. Chen, 41, said, sharing that “jet lag might make their bodies feel funny, lots of family can be exciting and overwhelming, they might miss home.”
While such pre-problem talks don’t prevent unfortunate moments from happening, Ms. Chen said it helps the family handle them better.
These discussions can include information on airport transit, or on flavors and ingredients that you might encounter — or not see for a while. But discussions aren’t the only way to plan for surprises. Regardless of the ages of your travel companions, you can share photos of an Airbnb rental or YouTube videos of a destination or watch movies or shows set there.
Plan activities that can bring wonder for all
Some attractions, like Stockholm’s ABBA museum, the sculpture-filled Park Güell in Barcelona or even a beach in Florida, can delight 7- and 70-year-olds alike. Destinations like these expose people to activities they might not otherwise seek out and foster a sense of common wonder.
You might also ask each traveler to suggest one thing they want the group to do.
Emily Schreter, a New York-based psychotherapist, said that delegating planning creates a sense of shared responsibility.
“Each generation has their own type of wisdom, and finding creative ways to tap into that and share it is the goal,” she said.
On a similar note, don’t forget to schedule downtime. Balancing quiet time or solo time can calm nerves and rejuvenate everyone.
Factor in mobility considerations
Last December, Joy Wong Daniels, a 46-year-old living in Milan, traveled in Switzerland and Italy with her nuclear family of four, her brother’s family of three and her two parents in their 70s. In Bormio, a town in the Lombardy region of Italy, Ms. Wong Daniels, a product designer, called everyone together to talk about her parents’ mobility limitations — it hadn’t been immediately obvious, with the children’s energy taking everyone’s attention.
“We need to go slower, we need to take breaks,” she said. Recognizing that some of the group’s ambitions didn’t match what was physically possible, the family recalibrated some plans.
Certainly, halfway up a set of steep cathedral stairs isn’t a great time to realize that some travelers should have passed on the outing. Avoid situations like these by having an honest conversation about fitness and endurance before booking tickets or tours, and check stroller policies and elevator availability in advance.
Ms. Wong Daniels now budgets for car services, cabs and other shortcuts to pre-empt any tense moments.
When traveling solo or being frugal, “there’s a lot to be learned from being uncomfortable,” she said. “But now that I’m traveling with my parents, let’s spend a little bit more and be sure that everyone is comfortable.”
Honor your own boundaries
Communicating what’s not possible for you can have a grounding effect amid family members’ many demands, real or imagined.
Whether choosing to skip a group outing or buy an unplanned snack for your children, “you only need your own approval,” Dr. Kennedy said.
Ms. Chen said that the issues that inevitably arise between family members need not be an indictment of the time together.
“Especially when it’s an important trip with family, I have a tendency to turn bumpy moments into a referendum on the entire trip,” said Ms. Chen. “I’ve learned that it’s important to take a minute to remind myself that whatever it is — a meltdown, friction with family — it will pass and it’s not what any of us will remember.”
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