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Our 30-something son has been seriously dating a smart, capable woman for more than a year. They seem very happy; they recently moved in together and are talking about their long-term future, including the possibility of having children. She fits in well with our family and is a good influence on our son. We support them and would like to encourage their relationship, but my spouse and I are concerned about something.
Our son has a history of problem gambling. A couple of years ago, he gambled away a windfall of more than $250,000. Since then, he goes through periods of abstaining from gambling only to start up again. In the last year, his habit led him to draw on a line of credit as well as dip into his tax- sheltered retirement savings account.
We have offered to pay for counseling to help him manage this addiction. When we insisted that he attend, he did so, but when we stopped insisting, he stopped going. We have also offered to cover the cost of an intensive, residential treatment program for gambling addiction. He has declined that offer.
We have suggested to our son that his partner should be informed of his addiction. We feel she has a right to know this about him, because it has the potential to impact their future together. It seems plausible that an ongoing gambling habit is likely to affect his credit score and ability to meet his financial commitments. He is adamant that he does not intend to tell her about his problem. He often seems to believe that he has a handle on this situation, but in the past couple of years, he has not gone more than a few months without gambling.
Because he has refused to tell his partner, do we have an obligation to let her know? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
There’s no question that your son ought to come clean with his partner. For one thing, she could try to play a positive role in his life in this department, too, and to join you in encouraging him to get the help he needs. (All those ads for online sports betting can’t be making things easier.) For another, there are very concrete precautions she could consider taking. She could explore ways of keeping her finances separated from his, so that she would be less affected by a relapse. This might mean avoiding joint accounts or having a joint account that requires both account holders to sign off on transactions; if they’re buying a home together, there may be legal arrangements that would make more sense than the usual joint tenancy. (A financial professional could advise her about the details.) In a relationship, to be sure, formal assurances can go only so far: If one member of a couple has a problem, both have a problem. By hiding his addiction, though, he is preventing her from taking steps that could protect them both.
You’ve tried to encourage your son to do the right things. Try again. Have a serious conversation with him — discussing patterns that you’ve seen but focusing on the future and making it clear that you’re motivated by concern, not condemnation. Help him understand that by concealing his addiction, he is misrepresenting himself and undermining the prospects for an authentic and caring relationship. You might also suggest that he consult a couples counselor, whose words may carry greater weight with him than yours.
But yes, denial is famously an issue with addiction and a barrier to coming to grips with it. What to do if your son continues to refuse to deal with the reality of his situation? Especially if you have a relationship with his partner, you owe her some consideration as well. As much as she deserves to be told the truth — before, as you fear, having the truth come crashing into her life — alerting her yourself should be a last resort. If your son remains obdurate, you can inform him that you plan to tell her that he has a problem she’s entitled to know about. One way or the other, he would still be in a position to explain the problem himself.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was disturbed by a medical mystery. He wrote: “My husband and I have been together since 1976. We have not always lived together, and we haven’t pledged to be monogamous. But neither have we had an ‘‘open marriage’’ or been promiscuous. An occasional fling when we have been traveling separately has been pretty satisfying. Recently I discovered emtricitabine out in the open in the bathroom. I looked it up and learned that it is generally used to fight the presence of H.I.V. in the system, or to prevent H.I.V. infection. I asked my husband why he had it. He accused me of ‘‘snooping’’ and said he neither has H.I.V. nor is putting himself — and me — at risk. … We are no longer having intimate relations. But I would still like to know what information he is keeping from me, and why. Do I have a right to know?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “It certainly wasn’t reasonable to accuse you of snooping, given that the drug — which is paired with other antiretrovirals in the treatment or the prevention of H.I.V./AIDS (and, less commonly, in the treatment of hepatitis B, or co-infections with both viruses) — wasn’t hidden from your view. … Even though yours is no longer a sexual relationship, you’re right to feel that marital trust requires being willing to discuss something like this. Sure, it’s up to your husband whether or not to disclose such information. But right now he’s treating you like a roommate, not a spouse. Marriage comes with expectations about commitment and communication. You should have an open, honest and nonjudgmental conversation about what’s going on with him; couples counseling might help you navigate this situation. Medical secrecy between spouses can have serious side effects.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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The Ethicist is right on the money. Whether you are a couple or co-workers or casual acquaintances, being in a position to be exposed to any contagious illness gives you the ethical high ground and need to know. In this case, I have to wonder why the letter writer’s husband suddenly left this medication out in the open in a such a blatant manner but is accusing his partner of “snooping.” I think the letter writer’s husband is being both a coward and very manipulative. He owes it to him to be honest about his health status and the reason he is taking this particular medication. — CJ
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I agree with the Ethicist and will add that if any illness occurs, a spouse’s support and caregiving is expected, so they should know each other’s health issues. — Jane
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I strongly suggest the letter writer consult with a physician and get tested for H.I.V. and maybe other STIs, as not all of them have immediately obvious symptoms. Consulting a doctor would enable the letter writer to avoid relying only on spousal communication for health information. The physician can also help the letter writer understand what that medicine is for. — Darcy
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I mostly agree with the Ethicist’s response. I think what might have been missed is that the couple who have been nonmonogamous likely aren’t practicing ethically nonmonogamy. It seems that they haven’t discussed ENM as a couple and how it relates to their relationship. That’s why the letter writer’s husband feels snooped on, and the letter writer feels uninformed and not considered. They likely need a mediator to help them with communication, perhaps a therapist that is open to nonconventional relationships. — Fay
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The foundation of any healthy relationship is trust. The letter writer’s husband’s refusal to come clean about his sex life, even when asked directly, suggests a breakdown of trust in this relationship. I strongly suggest therapy to help restore the trust here. — Harvey
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